"Our attitude....to the Dying"?......

[bewildered]

Hi there all,.... :'(This is a very serious subject;}....
that I am venturing to write about.

Why is it?......that some members of our families ......
can handle the "impending" death, of a Loved one, far better than others?.
Some of us, can sit in complete Peace......
Holding the hand of a dying Rellie:....giving out Love and Compassion and Understanding.    Respecting their Wishes!.


Others.....just "go to pieces"!!!!!!.,  no help......whatsover.
To be quite honest:......they are more trouble to us......than the dead themselves.
Death is just soo-oo final!!!!.
What is Grief?....
Why can't it be Dignified?.
Please Help me......thru this....
LOL bewildered. X0X0*****

[Minx]

I guess that those who cope OK fall into three main categories - mostly bound by the common thread of not being afraid of death

1 - those who are at peace with themselves and have faith in the Hereafter or a Greater Being
2 - those who view death as a transition from one stage of life to another
3 - those who recognise that sooner or later our Number is up and are able to celebrate the life of the dying, treasure the shared moments, but know that the time has come to move on

Those who can't cope?
I guess are those who are afraid of death and what they see as the finality of life
They IMO, are more focused on the gap that the person's passing is going to leave in their lives, than the effect it has already had.

[Maximillion]

Stress, pure and simple, and our reactions to it are largely governed by our genes, so we are doomed to be who we are, and react as we do. There's no value in decrying those who's grief over-rules their senses, it's built in, you might as well blame them for having freckles!

[Sandpaper]

An interesting topic, thanks B. This is a very personal topic for me and my husband....both of us having experienced cancer. The word 'death' seems to strike fear into the heart of some people..they almost 'lose' it when the word is mentioned. Maybe because they are faced with the thought of their own mortality? and I guess there may be very good reason for such fear.
A year ago if I had said 'I might die tomorrow' I would have had no reaction....now, having been diagnosed with and partially treated for cancer, if I was to make that very same statement my husband looks askance and assumes I have admitted defeat, 'given up the ghost' with my medical problem. Rather, I am using the very same statement that I would have used a year ago...just one of 'my phrases'.
Oddly enough since my diagnosis I am almost certain that if things did reach the stage where my cancer was terminal, I would accept the fact and try to enjoy what time I had, rather than thrash around and have a miserable existence for what time is given me.
I am not religious..I guess I am more so a person of the number 2 that Minx mentioned...death is inevitable...it is just a matter of time. Having said that, if the inevitable was to occur..I may react differently..sometimes we think we know ourselves, but when it comes to the crunch???
I recollect a conversation I had many years ago when I commented to a friend that I would prefer to die before my parents as the thought of them dying was so devastating. That friend pointed out to me  that my desire was a a very selfish thought, as I would leave them with the grief. That comment made me think a little more about death and grief. Thinking along those same lines I have thought of those 'left behind', grieving. I do not want to sound callous but much of that grief is directed at their personal loss.. IE .how it is affecting them...their loss..etc..which is understandable to a point, but the overall picture should take into account ..IE the deceased. Are they now out of pain, at peace etc.
As to some of the 'weepers and wailers'..I recollect a wonderful old gentleman that died and the family had a round table conference to discuss the funeral arrangements...one daughter was adamant the funeral could not be on a Tuesday..she had arrangements to do her voluntary shop work at the local charity shop that day. So the funeral was re-scheduled for another day...that same women was weeping and wailing in the very front row...beside herself......rolling of eyes..

[bewildered]

bewildered :
Why is it?......that some members of our families ......
can handle the "impending" death, of a Loved one, far better than others?.

  :'(Thank You.
To those members of the Forum, who attempted to answer, my question.
Greatly appreciated.X0X0****

For myself, personally:
I have found this "VOID".......where several family members, have said..."I really cannot handle this"!!!!.....Can you do it?.
" I don't want to attend the Hospital"......cannot stand the smell.
"I don't want to attend the Viewing at the Chapel".
" I don't want to attend the Funeral;".
" I don't want to attend the cremation".
" Don't ask me to spread the ashes"......
"I don't like sickness......can we change the subject"....please?.

And, being the age that I am:......and being a very caring sole:
and very proud of my family:......for some reason:......it is has all been    "Left to Me".  Every time!!!!.   Have a feeling that I am slowly "disintegrating".......under all the responsibility and the Grief.

I have lost six of my family, over the past five years: and have not only had to deal with funeral directors: but: Solicitors:bills: and sale of contents etc: with proceeds  to the Next of Kin.
{ None of which.....was me}. All very traumatic and complicated.

I desperately try ,not  to feel "resentful".......but, I do wish, that other members of the family, would "Stand up".......and Help.
Thanks everyone......for your posts.
X0X0 bewildered X0X0****
I may feel better tomorrow.......X0X0

[Minx]

I can empathise with where you are coming from in that regard.

We had a 'run' of family deaths a few years back, and it came down to my sister and/or me being the ones doing all the organising
We both heard the same things you've mentioned above
But at least we were "in it together"

To be honest, looking back at it all with hindsight, I'm pleased that it was left to us. I shudder to think what a nightmare two of the funerals would have been if it had been the immediate family.

I also remember when my mother-in-law died in the UK
She'd gone over on holidays, took ill and wasn't fit enough to make it home to die here.
I flew over, sussed out how bad things were and the ex followed me the week after I'd arrived.
During that week I had to go and find a funeral director, a priest, a church and try and prepare the UK family and her old friends.

She'd been staying with one of her nieces who was horrified that I was making all these arrangements before Mum died. She couldn't quite grasp the fact that it needed to be done and organised, at the rate Mum was fading, I was afraid she wouldn't last until the ex arrived. As was, she passed away two days after he landed. But, at least he'd seen her and the family had been able to travel to Bury St Edmund's and say their goodbyes.

We had her cremated in Bury at a short service and then took her for a 'drive' to Southampton and held the funeral there. The niece refused to attend either...said it had all been too hasty...go figure

[jen]

This thread reminds me how lucky I am, have not had to deal with a death in our family for a good many years. I know my time will come, it will be my turn to arrange a funeral or two, but everyone is disgustingly healthy so far. Touch wood and cross my fingers.

[bewildered]

Minx :
I can empathize with where you are coming from in that regard.

 8)Thank you Minx: X0X0*****
I guess, this time in our lives:........comes around, to
all of us  sooner or later.
Where our  Older Loved ones, need our help:
be it ,moving into a Retirement village:...an Aged Care Hostel:...
whatever........but, when we are faced with Death!!!!.
It is such a shock.
Especially, when we have to handle all the details.
And, care for other family members, besides.
Was your Mum in Law?.....of English stock?
To think, that she as interred in ....Bury St. Edmunds.....is absolutely lovely.X0X0
You have proved to be a wonderful.....Daught In Law.
You must still feel her Love......X0X0*****
LOL bewildered.

[Minx]

She was a lovely old chook

She was born in Ireland but moved to UK as a child with her family and ended up marrying a Pom.

One of my favourite memories of her is at Xmas. She used to make the Mince Pies the day before Xmas Eve, more brandy went into her than into the pies. She'd look at me with those twinkling blue eyes and tell me that when she was gone, this would be my job - and to make sure that I enjoyed the Brandy too!

[Chris]

She was a lovely old chook

She was born in Ireland but moved to UK as a child with her family and ended up marrying a Pom.

One of my favourite memories of her is at Xmas. She used to make the Mince Pies the day before Xmas Eve, more brandy went into her than into the pies. She'd look at me with those twinkling blue eyes and tell me that when she was gone, this would be my job - and to make sure that I enjoyed the Brandy too!

Strangely, talking of Xmas, mince pies and brandy made me think of my mother. She was such a good cook and a fantastic home maker. We're such a long way away over here.

[Dad]

Take it from one who knows - you made the best decision of your life when you decided to move to Oz- you have a quality of life and an attitude to living which sadly has disappeared from these shores= the land of the free and brave - yes, still brave, but sadly no longer free-

as I am probably nearer D day than most of you, if I have a few moments when my darling does not want to know where I am, I will try to convey my thoughts on the inevitable.   

[Chris]

Take it from one who knows - you made the best decision of your life when you decided to move to Oz- you have a quality of life and an attitude to living which sadly has disappeared from these shores= the land of the free and brave - yes, still brave, but sadly no longer free-

Things are looking bad I have to admit. None of the media is carrying any positive stories.

as I am probably nearer D day than most of you, if I have a few moments when my darling does not want to know where I am, I will try to convey my thoughts on the inevitable.   

You might say that... but you're a lot fitter and more active than *I* am... or ever will be I think!